So You Think That Was Good Do You?

A bad day, bad day, bad day and welcome to So You Think That Was Good Do You, a podcast
where we take a look back at the films from your childhood and question the absurdity
of the universes. My name is Evan and as always I'm joined by Sam and Carl. How are you doing
guys? He's slowly transitioning into a radio host. It's getting so refined. That was perfect.
Thank you. Oh yeah, I'm good mate. Well keen to talk about this. Yeah, loving the Jackie
Chan Adventures reference. Thank you, yes. I'm not sure how many people will catch that
but yes that is, I think he says it in a few things. I think the reason he uses it in Jackie
Chan Adventures because that's at some point his catch phrase because it's in the game
Uncharted 3. Do you remember Carl? But no, I don't remember a Jackie Chan Adventures
reference in Uncharted 3. Oh yeah, so if you created your own character and you played
online one of the voice lines you could have for your character was bad day, bad day, bad
day. There you go, that's it. Well this week we watched 2002's The Texedo starring Jackie
Chan, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jason Isaacs. That's staying in. Shall we get started with
the quick plots or not boys? Again from Chat GPT. Jimmy Tom, a lowly chauffeur, is dressed
to kill when he dons a high tech tuxedo and becomes a secret agent tasked with saving
the world from fashion disasters and foiling the plans of evil masterminds. That's some
of the movie isn't it? It's none of the movie. I mean he definitely dons a tuxedo. He's got
a tuxedo on and he does, well he's there whilst the plans of evil masterminds are foiled other
than that. He's about. He's about. Excellent, shall we then start? Yeah, I mean I don't
think that has preempted anything that we're going to say. No. Unfortunately it doesn't
save the world from any fashion disasters. But yeah, let's get into the plot. Iconic
opening to the film with the pan down on the beautiful flowing stream which a deer walks
up to, pisses straight in the water, and then that flows into a pipe which gets filtered
and then put into a bottle. All the while you've got this absolutely banging 2000s electronic
track playing in the background. I was loving the music. Yeah, great stuff. And I also fully
believed as a child when I saw this, no doubt, that all bottled water has piss in it. I was
like, well that's it there, isn't it? They put it through a mesh. You've been drinking
through the tap since. This does seem like propaganda against the bottled water industry,
this whole thing. Oh yeah. And they're not trying to kill you. They're just feeding you
piss. We have seen some strange opening some movies in our time doing this from just the
long opening credit sequences to strange imagery of bugs, which again, in this movie, we all
get to. But this, on the nose, takes the piss. Not only does the deer take a piss, we are
then put into perspective of the piss flowing through the pipes and then into this laboratory.
It's not a lab. It's a bottling. It's a bottling factory. It's not a lab. It's not a laboratory.
It's a very, very strange, maybe my favorite opening so far.
But yeah, so we're in this bottling plant and we see one of the workers go off to the
side to take a call. This is revealed to be the partner of our James Bond stand-in, Clark
Devlin. He's trying to get Devlin on the phone. We don't get any context for it because he
immediately gets a bag put over his head, tightened around the neck, filled with water
and drowned. He's saying Operation Big Drip is cresting level two, which from now on is
how I'm going to say that I need a piss. Sorry, boys, but Operation Big Drip is cresting level
two. I'm going to have to go. He's drowned by a custom made back mounted drowning machine
with specially made drowning bags. How many people are you drowning that you go,
you probably get something made for this. We can just carry around like a backpack.
Like we get like a gun or something. No, no, no, no, no. We're a water company.
Yeah, we will find a way to make this work. Yeah, exactly. So he's doing this stealthily,
but they have to incorporate water. The contract that every henchman signs up to means that you
have to include water in the ways you kill somebody. And he doesn't do it quietly. And then
he has to jump down from the little bridges onto the floor and drag this guy away with that massive
backpack on. Doesn't get caught though somehow. Doesn't do it quietly. He says Aqualavista, baby.
I wrote that down. I was going to say. This is absolutely the reason why he wanted to use water
so they could get that line. 100%. I just wonder how many others
lines he has because you can't just keep repeating the same one every time you kill someone.
So I thought I'd help him out. What are you going to do now? Oh, perfect.
And H2O, no, you're dead now. That was a beautiful. Yes, fantastic.
What are you going to do now? I wish I could. I wish I could provide one. We could sit here
for a dead silent 20 minutes as we come up with more, but I think it's better to just move on.
We do not do improv. We are on the script all the time.
Oh, absolutely. The only other thing I want to point out is that we later find out that even
though he was drowned in this bag, the autopsy showed that he actually dehydrated. This technology
is perfect at this point. The whole issue that they have later on is that it's too powerful
and it just withers you down to a husk, but they drown this guy. It looks normal. They've already
perfected it. So what they need to do is go around and convince the entire world you need to stop
consuming your water from bottles and do it via bag over the head. That way, if we all start
taking in our water via head bag, this will all be fine. The two ton backpack you have to wear
around is their primary product. Feeling thirsty. Just have guys walking around the city centre with
the water dispensing backpacks on. Get this bag over your head. I'll quench that first.
But this guy is dead and all we know is that Operation Big Drip. Cut to New York City and
we see Jackie Chan, who's, I'll say it now, his name in this is Jimmy Tong, but none of us are
gonna say it's Jackie Chan. Yes, yes. Jackie is standing outside an art gallery and practicing
some flirting with his friend, colleague. I don't really know who this guy is. It doesn't matter.
He is gone. It doesn't matter at all, does it? Fellow taxi driver, maybe. And he's standing
outside, he's looking at this guy who works in an art gallery and he's trying to come up with a line
that will work. His line is, I dreamt of you before I ever saw you. And his friend's like, yes,
that's the line. Go use that. Do not use that to anyone who watched this film and went,
oh, that's how you talk to human beings. That's not how you talk to anyone. If someone
walked up to me, soul patch, t-shirt saying Hooters girls love me. I dreamt of you before
I ever saw you. I don't think anything would work. I did not understand any of this as it was going
on. The Hooters shirt, the soul patch, the way he talks to people, awful plan. But it is only so
once he gets the suit, you're supposed to see some sort of difference in him, I realize.
But there isn't any, even by the end of the movie, when he is supposed to be more like
Clark Devlin, nothing has changed. He's just soul patchless.
The full character development in this story is that he gets a nice suit. That's beginning to
end. That's all that happens. I mean, and at the end, he doesn't even have the nice suit anymore.
No, he doesn't. He's given it up. So he does say that he says I dreamed of you dreamt of you
before I even met you. And then forgets that immediately and goes when I think of you,
I have a wet dream. What the fuck is that? This is a kid's film.
Is it? Is it though? Surely it's not a kid's film.
Yeah, it's rush hour of kids film. It's just a dumb action comedy, isn't it?
No, you're right. It's not. Yeah, there's far too much of this movie is
focused on Jennifer Love Hewitt for it to be a kid's film.
Oh, oh, yeah, they say titties a lot. No, rack, they say a lot.
My brain says I will say if anyone listening fancies to follow along with the official
tuxedo drinking game, take a shot every time tits are mentioned. Because whether you're
watching the film or listening to the podcast, that will get you drunk.
Yeah, this film has a real obsession, real fixation. Anyway, so yeah, Jackie
goes into the art gallery now to chat to this girl, but he gets he kind of gets sidetracked
chatting to Colin Mockery, who is in this insane. Why is he? Wow, where did that come from? Yeah,
no idea. I mean, crazy casting, but I'm glad to see him, you know.
And Colin tells him he's the art gallery owner. And he tells him, you should go over there,
speak to Jennifer. I think he says Jennifer. Yeah, yeah. Go over there, speak to Jennifer,
and then she can reject you. And we can all move on with our little lives.
So Jackie thanks him for this advice and goes outside to sit in his car for what must be hours.
It just cuts it cuts and he's outside sitting in his car. But she then leaves. It's the end of
her shift. Oh, oh, yes. And then he gets out and he leans in the backseat and the next lady appears.
It's a very confusing set of events, but he goes outside to wait for her to leave for some reason.
And he sits in his taxi, gets no fares. As she leaves, he opens up the door and clotheslines
a roided up mental cyclist who happened to be passing. Yeah. So we get the first thing that
could charitably be called a fight scene where this fucking psychopath just flips out and
starts Hulk smashing everything around chasing after Jackie and trying to kill him. All this
scene does is serve to contradict the rest of the movie, which is that Jackie does not need the
suit. The way that he jumps up onto the top of the car and sort of matrices over a car that's
passing behind without getting hit. He never needed it, but he needed people to know 10
minutes in there. I'm Jackie Chan. I can do this shit. They needed a fight scene to keep us
interested. I'm not even acknowledging that. See, the best thing about this scene though,
was his that while the other taxi driver, I thought, who confronts the roided up cyclist
and then instantly backs off when he realizes that he's got too involved. And I just really hope
this guy sticks around. He's funny. Oh, well, yeah. He's great. I love the other guy. I mean,
so the thing that happens is, so the cyclist is attacking Jackie Chan. The police show up
and see this white guy attacking minority and stand there like, well, yeah, we'll stick around
to what happens. This isn't my job. No reason to intervene here. He's got this covered.
Then here's Jackie's friend, the taxi driver, joins in and shockingly they don't intervene
at this point. I was fully exposed. Maybe that is where he goes. Because we don't see him for the
rest of the film after this scene. Presumably the police take him away. This is America after all.
But he chases off the guy who was trying to murder our protagonist. So yeah, that is the last we see
of Mitch, his name was. Thank you IMDB. Okay, nice. So then Jackie gets back into his car,
back into the taxi, and he meets Steena who is waiting for him calmly to get in so that she can
get a lift. She gets him to drive her to work and says that she'll double the fare
if he gets her to work before she puts on her makeup. She was already wearing makeup,
but that's fine. Yeah, he's been scouted. Yeah, he has. Yeah, they're looking for a new
driver. And he's been scouted because he speeds everywhere. And this has somehow
scored him an article in the newspaper. He's notorious for being a terrible,
reckless driver. He's lost his license eight times. He's notorious for being a fast driver.
He's lost his license a shitload, but claims never had an accident though. And then proceeds to
definitely cause at least two crashes during this one drive. Oh, absolutely. As he at one point
drives the other way down a one-way road. He gets stuck in block traffic and just reverses
all the way down. The only reason he doesn't crash his own car is that everyone swerves out of his
way. Everyone else is a good driver. Everyone else is veering off left and right, crashing,
wiping out pedestrians. And he's just there going, see, never crashed. Good day, good day, good driver.
And miraculously, she gets out of the car without looking like a Jackson Pollock. I don't know how
she put her makeup on in that, but she does manage to. And because he, you know, he succeeds,
he gets offered a chauffeuring job for Clark Devlin. Another man who's in definitely all of
the movie. Another great character who we hope will stick around. So the next day he goes to the
interview for this job. I don't know why they have an interview. He's already been offered it.
He goes to the interview, gets the job and meets Clark Devlin, who is Jason Isaacs.
Absolute dreamboat. Oh yeah. Lucius Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy. Yeah. A slash. Was he Captain Hook or
something? I just know him as the only good part of series one of Star Trek Discovery. He's great.
Darlin is dead. Is that what it was called? Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. He's great in
everything. He's just so good in everything. And even in this, despite the fact that he only speaks
in cliches, he's great. So he starts his new chauffeuring job. And in the meantime, we cut to,
I don't know what this place is, some kind of, they call it CSA, Special
Something Agency. It's when you can't call something the CIA and you can't call something
the NSA. You just go shove them together. Here are three letters. So we cut to not the CIA,
where the autopsy is happening for that bloke who died earlier. And just in the office as well.
It's just in the middle of the office. Surrounded by at least a hundred people,
all just watching in lab coats for some reason. Yeah. It's their IT suite slash morgue.
So a discussion that should absolutely be in a private room, speaking around about a dead
agent. As not to panic the staff. Yeah. But thankfully it was out in the open in the IT
office. Jennifer of Hewitt pipes up as Del Blaine, which that's a fucking made up name.
It is. I thought people kept calling her Devlin and was confused to this entire movie. So decided
only to use actors and names for my notes. Yeah, fair enough. Jennifer of Hewitt shows up and she's
the only one that's figured out the dehydration thing. So she pipes up, speaks to the boss, says,
no, that's bullshit. This guy was he died of dehydration, not drowning. And he says,
sick, you want a job? It was it was so easy to get a job in 2002.
Well, to be fair, first, he said, but he's wet. And then she did a bit of science talk
about cells or some shit and convinced him. But yeah, but he believed straight away that
this guy drowned just because his hair was wet.
Yeah. Autopsies were quite basic.
Let's go around. Get a towel, man.
Where he is.
We're all gonna drown. Don't let him drip on the wires. We've got loads of computers in here.
But so, yeah, Jennifer of Hewitt's now got a job as an agent or some kind of support,
so good for her. From IT support to special agent because you googled water on the side.
Because she was doing autopsies on the side. Yeah.
Not autopsy. She said her specialty was water.
That qualifies her for special operations, obviously.
Give her a gun and a towel.
But yeah, then we go back. And yeah, so Jackie's with Clark Devlin again.
This is I think it's his first day and he's kind of following him around like a dog.
Just yeah. Staring at him.
Absolutely in awe. Because to be knows how to flirt with ladies.
To be fair, we were pretty much the same just mentioning his name, so I'm not going to judge.
All three of us swooned together.
Yeah, all the ladies are swooning, so are we.
But he's flirting with a woman, fair enough, but in a store that sells bugs.
In a bug shop.
What?
In, you know, the New York City bug shop.
Well, to be fair. Before the financial crisis,
people had too much money to spend on whatever the fuck they wanted.
Bugs were a currency in mimic, so maybe this is the same universe.
Maybe if we do a head cannon at some point that links the two.
But yeah, he heads into the bug shop and gets a bug in a date and gets the girl back to his house.
And yeah, he's dancing with Aaron.
Jackie's just standing there.
He's off shift at this point, but he's waited around to swoon.
Well, yeah, he's he's locked on and you say dancing.
He is doing everything, but maybe the woman he's with is dancing.
But he is Michael Jackson in back around like doing some real Dracula shit.
And nobody in the whole everyone is watching him dancing.
And no one is concerned that this guy is a mortal and or half snake.
Oh, God, he's so handsome.
Look at him go.
Yeah.
Does anyone notice that his legs haven't moved yet?
His face.
Look at his handsome face.
Look how he glides.
Does anyone notice the angle that he's at bouncing around like one
of those little inflatable guys outside car dealerships?
That is perfect.
Locked onto the ground, but his body goes 360 baby.
Oh, perfect.
But then Jackie's shift finally ends and he heads upstairs to I think he's just tidying up or
something and he sees the glass case containing the suit, the tuxedo.
And Clark shows up behind him and says, there is one rule.
Do not touch my suit.
Anyway, should we go to Burger King?
Oh, this is so strange.
It is really weird.
So carry on to it.
They wanted to throw in some weird little fun spy tropes.
So so they had Burger King spy trope fucking old now it's been overdone.
And they he orders a couple of whoppers and a pizza.
And that is the code word that if you order a pizza at Burger King,
you get a pizza box with some Intel in there.
Who is the CSA agent who has to work in Burger King full time,
seven days a week, all opening hours to wait for a guy to turn up and ask for a pizza.
Yeah.
The Burger King manager with looking at this girl with pizza boxes stacked up next to her.
Like what the fuck is she doing?
She's absolutely selling drugs.
Because she had to go to fucking university for seven years to learn to join the CSA.
And his name is Lyle and he's maybe 20.
Well, look, being wildly overqualified and working in Burger King,
this movie is ahead of its time.
This is the world we live in now.
But we're about to get a scene which I love because it denotes completely
how this is a movie of its time because now a bomb.
Yes, they do.
They pull on a head and Jackie's not paying attention and they run into some skateboarders.
Yeah.
A bunch of youths with their skateboards.
A bunch of 35 year old youth and their skateboards.
Okay.
A bunch of men skateboarding at night in Burger King car park who distract him while one of them
slaps a little tracking module on the back of the car.
And then as they head off, he sticks a bomb on the skateboard, gives it a kick
and it locks on and follows the car.
Anyone else confused why they didn't just strap the bomb to the car?
But mate, Tony Hawk's Underground 2 hasn't long come out.
People love skateboards.
Where else are you going to fit a skateboard in in this movie?
It's got to be here.
Also, it's the bit that makes the skateboard drive on the bomb or in the skateboard.
What's tracking what? Who knows?
But it works.
Oh, I love it.
There's a tiny tuxedo around the skateboard.
Does this mean that they knew this was going to happen then?
Because they hired the nutcase taxi driver who speeds around New York.
Were they expecting the old skateboard bomb that they'd have to escape at some point?
I mean, I guess that what I thought you were going to say,
did the bad guys who want to kill him...
We have no idea who these guys are, by the way.
Oh, they do not come back.
I guess they work for the bottled water company, but that is a bizarre department.
They're the Evian Mafia who go around just waiting outside Burger King
to see if anyone's got a pizza so that they can blow them up.
What are you going to do now?
I'm going to assume that that was a water pun,
but you just pronounced it, what are.
What are?
Well, yeah, they hired this taxi driver who's known for his speeding.
Was this because they knew they were going to get skateboard?
Have they been skateboard bombed before?
Where's Clark Devlin's last driver?
They'd just go get a new one and move him in.
Where's the old one?
We've got to assume the last driver's dead.
From a skateboard bomb, I reckon.
Or, we've got to assume that Clark Devlin was the last driver,
and the previous Clark Devlin was killed by a scooter bomb or something.
Because when the Clark Devlin gets killed,
your driver becomes a new Clark Devlin.
This is all coming together.
Yeah, the next scene is they managed to get away from the absurdly huge explosion.
But Jackie gets away, Devlin sort of gets away,
but he cracks his head off the pavement and it's revealed.
He pulls his driving license out and shows Jackie his name,
getting kind of automatically zooped away and Brad Dilford is left.
I don't know why, I mean, you just get two driver's licenses, you'd think.
Well.
Instead of having a magic wand that changes.
What's the point, though?
This is a guy who.
Of changing your name.
Well, he's a billionaire who is throwing big events for the Natural History Museum.
This man is a face.
He is getting wheeled into hospital and they're going to go,
oh, Mr. Dilford, do you know who you look like?
Clark Devlin, who's always on the news.
Yeah.
Bruce Wayne, you look like Batman.
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, more or less.
But I guess, yeah, this is the way that this job works,
is that you get killed or put into a coma in this case and your driver takes over.
Yeah.
Well, before that happened, before you'd established this amazing law for this movie,
which absolutely doesn't deserve that kind of amazing law,
I was astounded that Mr. Devlin chokes Jackie to be the next wearer of the suit,
because so far he's been a complete shambles.
Like even his driving is erratic, but the way he follows him around and gawks at him,
I'm positive he only said for him to wear the suit because he was the closest person to him.
If there'd been a crackhead, fingering a dog within 10 feet, he would have asked him first.
Yeah, he's bleeding from the head.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
He is.
He is bleeding from the head and he is perfectly eloquent in every word that he says,
up until he tries to say water strider when all of a sudden,
spoilers, water strider.
But you know what he does say very clearly, trust no one.
And then when he gives Jackie the watch on the watch, it's engraved.
Trust no one didn't catch that.
And so I didn't catch that it's on the water.
It's on something attached to the watch.
It just says trust no one engraved.
So I feel like they've given away that obviously there is a mole
and someone's going to backstab him.
They've just given away that plot point too early.
It's obvious it's coming now.
Yeah, there's obviously going to be some kind of subterfuge, some kind of...
And I love that the first thing he does is trust the first person who phones him.
Doesn't even mean a person.
Trust no one.
Hi, would you like to save 50% a year on your insurance?
Yes.
Obviously, there's a mole in the organisation.
Maybe, I mean, it's got to be a recurring character.
Maybe it's Mitch.
Maybe he'll come back and he'll be the mole in the organisation.
If there was a sequel, Mitch would have been the driver for Jackie Chan.
He's so good.
Yes.
Tragically, that didn't happen.
Anyway, so back to the plot.
So he's got a head wound.
They head to the hospital.
He's basically in a coma at this point.
And Jackie's sat in the waiting room.
He gets handed a bit of paper from one of the nurses saying
he was clutching this in his hand.
And it's a bit of paper, which has got a water strider
well-drawn, right in the middle, with loads of notes and names and phone numbers.
Forget about that.
We ignore that for the rest of the film.
Completely irrelevant.
Sorry, I've just forgotten about this.
And then the way he realises that it's water strider later on is so fucking dumb.
Yeah.
I mean, you know what?
I won't say it now.
We'll get to that.
In the meantime, for some reason, there's a woman sat next to him in the waiting room
who keeps saying, Dr. Angelo, Dr. Angela.
Is it Angela or Angelo?
Oh, she is not sure.
But she's obviously a woman who is very lost and in need.
She's very old, maybe a dementia patient or something.
And being the gentleman that he is, you want to help a woman like that.
So what does he say?
Oh, Dr. Angelo is on holiday, actually, so.
So shut the fuck up.
Yeah, just stop saying that.
Yeah, there's an old woman clearly in distress next to him, and he lies to her to make her shut up.
You see, this is why you don't have a boyfriend, old woman.
One of Jackie's soon to be catchphrases.
But yeah, as he's abusing old women, we move to the kind of secret lair hideout of our antagonist.
I think it's the first time we see our antagonist.
He's not a fucking secret lair.
He's got a big mansion.
He's a very public billionaire.
For some reason, I thought this was on a boat.
It's not.
I've written down it was on a boat.
It is below his swimming pool.
It is the least cool secret lair you can have.
I think the swimming pool thing is pretty cool.
It is not.
It is an insane amount of overhead to...
How much water goes in every time you open those fucking...
He says he goes down every night because he can't sleep.
How much water is down there and he's pumping it back up onto the fucking three inches of pool.
What if someone tries to get in the pool?
It's a pool.
Someone wants to come over for the part as he throws all the time.
Or I fancy a fucking swim.
Oh wait, my fucking neck is broken.
Put it in your basement.
The diving board is also the button to get in.
As they jumped him off the diving board,
it would split and park the seas for them to crack their head off the stairs.
Sorry, I didn't expect to go so hard there.
He's just going down to his lab every day
and there's a new mangled up person laying on his stairs.
He's just stepping over the next corpse.
Just in their speedos.
Anyway, so he's having a secret meeting with someone in his company
who he doesn't like the look of.
So he's decided to kill him and test out his little project of dehydrating water.
So he gets this guy to drink water and he gets...
Well, I've written down he gets Last Crusade'd.
The thing that happens in the Last Crusade where they drink from the wrong grail
and they just wither into a husk, that happens to him.
The man turns to dust.
What they need to consider is convincing the world to consume their water through head bag.
Look, maybe that's stage two?
Maybe that's big drip stage three?
I don't know.
His head bag.
We're cresting level three.
The explanation they give for how this works is that a bacteria
on the striders or whatever makes the cells spill electrolytes
into the bloodstream, which causes dehydration.
That doesn't mean that the water goes away.
It just means it's in the blood.
But this man turns into dust.
So I don't know.
I guess he's pissing it all out just off screen.
Earlier on, they had a body to perform an autopsy on,
albeit they didn't.
But this guy, no.
If they had done a proper autopsy, they would have realised,
okay, sure, his hair's wet, but he is dust.
He is made of dust.
But anyway, that's our demo of this evil bad guy.
Jackie, at this point, has headed back to Clark Devlin's house.
He's been given, I think he's been given the watch,
he's been given the wallet, the idea, all that stuff.
And now he's back there and he finds the tuxedo.
This is where shit kicks into gear.
Yeah, he opens up the little dome of glass and puts it on,
and it kind of fits itself to his body.
You get a little sick mesh effect going over it as it fits itself.
Yeah, and then the camera zooms in under the sleeve,
and we see little electro beams going in,
and it zooms into his nerves.
And we just accept that this is how biology works,
and maybe little zaps.
Yeah, okay, that's probably what the human body looks like
when you zoom in real close.
That's fine.
90% zaps, 10% more.
He is, at this point.
And then, so he's got the suit on that starts, you know,
he starts controlling it via the watch,
and he accidentally activates demolition mode.
So he starts, against his own will, kicking the shit out of this entire room.
This is a suit made for a secret agent,
and he's meant to use demonstration,
accidentally clicks demolition mode.
Why does this mode exist?
It's like the angry ex-boyfriend mode on the suit
as he just trashes the lights, starts ripping things off shelves,
smashing the windows.
Put your hole in a wall, drink a can of Monster.
Call her a slut and leave.
Now gaslighter, tell her she did this.
I don't know if either of you two did this,
but I paused and had a look at the options that were on this watch.
I knew someone would.
You don't see many of them as he scrolls through.
It kind of blurs them out.
But I caught, first of all, there are two modes.
One of them is called Dancing, and the other one's called Shake Booty.
I don't know why you need two of them.
Probably just pick one.
But then there are three of them that I caught here.
Delegation? Demographic?
Just points at someone else. You do it.
That is next level laziness.
Delegation mode means, yeah, you tell someone else to do it.
But demographic mode, I don't want to know.
Maybe that zeroes in on certain demographics.
That's why he hires Jimmy.
Please delete that joke.
Oh no, that's fantastic.
And the last one is Groom, which I guess just shaves for you.
Oh, I assumed that you just could control yourself like
Wallace in that Wallace and Gromit move,
and you just start heading towards a middle school.
Oh my god, I can't compose myself.
At this point as well, the suit is explaining every mode
and what it does out loud for everybody to hear.
When is that of any use?
I just think that this guy must be out there having to do a thing
and then having to slowly scroll through his watch,
going through alphabetical order to find.
And cover up the microphone on the fucking suit
so everybody around him doesn't hear what he's about to do.
I will muffle it as it talks through each option.
At one point he has to get down to sniper rifle.
They must have been there for fucking ages.
Give me a second.
I'm at shake booty, I'm nearly there.
There was no search function.
You've got to scroll, baby.
And then the end of this scene is that he gets onto anti-gravity mode.
Oh, that'll be important again later, won't it?
Yeah, close the wall onto the ceiling,
and then as soon as he takes one hand off the ceiling,
anti-gravity stops and he falls.
How do you electrocute a man into being anti-gravity?
We've zapped all the gravity out of yourselves.
If you zap him enough, he will start jumping up.
Start floating.
He just removes all your bone densities,
so when you hit the floor again, you crumble.
Like a borrower.
Like a borrower.
Oh, bird bone fucks.
Luckily after this, I think he's on auto for basically the rest of the film.
Yeah.
No worries there.
Delegate.
This scene ends with him getting his first call from Del Blaine.
From Jennifer LaFoure.
Yeah, Devlin.
Who says, yeah, from Devlin.
Who says, we got a meeting to get to.
She gives him the meeting point in this park and says,
the code word is nice rack.
And for those following along, take your first shot.
There we go.
So Jackie heads to the park.
She says she'll be in a gray suit.
So he sits next to a woman in a gray suit.
So far, none of this is his fault.
He's following exactly what has been said.
He says, nice rack to her, take another shot, and gets done for sexual assault.
And then as he's leaving, he gets a call with some pissy Jennifer LaFoure at the end of the phone saying,
you idiot, I've delayed it.
Well, yeah, she calls to say, oh, change of plans.
And then when he's annoyed, she says, well, they've just, they've only just told me, don't get pissy.
So that means you never left then.
He's on the office.
He's on the office.
She is the worst kind of, I hate people who do this.
You're like, I'm here.
I'm in spoons.
I'm like, ah, I'm just in the shower.
No, I can't come.
But it has been delayed.
And I don't know why they're meeting in a park.
The place they had to be is miles away in like some kind of industrial, industrial park.
So he heads there at night.
I'm just gonna say it's so we can have the lovely little sexual harassment joke.
Yeah, the only reason for that is so that they could throw in the nice rack joke.
Take a drink.
But he, he heads to the industrial park now, which is the actual meeting point.
And Del Blains there waiting for him.
And as he walks towards her at the light, she is baffled that he's Chinese.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Too baffled.
I mean, it's not that much of a shock, is it?
No.
But she, having never seen him before.
Yeah, Clark Devlin is shocked.
You, at this point, I'm wondering why is Jackie doing any of this?
Why he wasn't that close to Devlin.
It was just a job.
All he did was follow him around.
Why is he put on a super suit?
Seeing how dangerous it is.
Just believe the first call he's got has gone out to a top of a water tower.
Yeah, but he doesn't know about yet.
Nobody's explained it to him.
He's the driver.
He's got to find Walter Strider.
Now the guy he was driving is incapacitated.
Now he's the agent.
It's how you get promoted in the CSA.
He's just getting paid a driver's wage, as I'm guessing Clark Devlin was.
To be fair, it's probably higher than Burger King wage.
So they climb up the top of this building.
I don't really know what these buildings are, but they overlook-
Vantage points.
Vantage points.
They overlook the place where Banning is- his name is Banning, isn't it?
I have no idea what it is.
That doesn't sound right now that I'm saying it.
Just call him Sideburns.
I'm not going to do Sideburns.
Where Sideburns is having some kind of secret meeting.
They don't know what it's for, but they're just vaguely investigating him.
So they climb up the top of the building.
Jackie uses the suit to put together a sniper rifle using the sniper rifle function.
Flips it around, puts it together, and shoots a guy in the head with it.
Just fucking murders a guy.
Oh yeah.
Neither of them are too fussed about that.
They are there secretly.
And there is no silencer on this sniper rifle.
You hear it fucking pow as he accidentally slots a guy in the head
when he forgets to use the sniper rifle shooting function on his suit.
Luckily, all of the henchmen have tried to take a swim in that pool,
so nobody can hear.
They've all got perforated eardrums.
I'm just smashing into that see-through glass.
The job induction is a pool party, just to make sure.
He then sets up his suit correctly and fires the second shot.
He gets the bug, yeah.
And the bug doesn't actually land where it's meant.
It ricochets off of the suitcase into a woman's hair.
And in order to make sure that the super secret bug is in place,
it flashes a bright red light so it's stuck in this woman's hair.
Why?
Yeah, it does.
You know, your hair is flashing.
I love that.
I love the little flashing red light that has to be on everything.
It happens later in the film when Jennifer presses her neck and the back of it starts flashing
because it's a tracker.
Oh, don't you worry.
I wrote about that too.
All caps.
I will get that.
But yeah, the big reveal here, as they do bug it and they listen in,
the big reveal is that he wants to buy some other water companies.
Which, yeah, okay.
Acquisitions.
Real interesting.
The big reveal is that he wants to buy other water companies,
but definitely threatens them with an impending biological disaster.
Yeah, so he's, I mean, he's coercing them.
He's intimidating them.
He's doing whatever.
Blackmail.
But because that's all quite boring, we get a sick fight scene when all the goons show
up behind them, sneak up.
And yeah, Jackie fights off a bunch of them.
And Dell, Jennifer Lohia, basically fails to help at all.
So he single-handedly fights them.
Well, the tux single-handedly fights them all off.
And then I think.
But she spends this entire fight scene not helping, but just talking about how shit he is.
Oh, berating him.
Which is what she will do for the rest of the movie is just be useless
while calling everyone else shit and useless.
This is what gets me.
She basically pushes him off the, it's her fault that he falls off the edge.
And then she tries to pull him up, but then kind of lets go
and lets him fall off the edge of this building to what she believes is his certain death.
She doesn't see him do a magic anti-grav backflip and grab onto a pipe.
Yeah, she kills him and then gets all pissed off because this isn't in the manual.
Yes, it is.
Go find his driver.
He's the secret agent now.
I never saw him switch it to anti-grav, Sam.
When he falls off that water tower, it is just, hey, except the flip can sometimes take you
in the direction it definitely wouldn't.
And then his hands turn into those sticky, horrible Lego things and stick to the side of the water.
I think it's a water tower.
I don't know.
Kind of pocks his way back up.
Yeah.
But yeah, so she thinks he's dead.
So she calls him a moron and steals his car.
Meanwhile, he kind of dashes around, dodges a few more baddies,
and then he slides down the side of this tower, this rough cement tower.
He slides down with his bare hands.
Vertical.
There's no suit mode that lets you slide down rough concrete with your bare hands.
By the time he got to the floor, he should be down to the fucking elbows.
There should just be red streaks down the side.
Flap some suit.
At this point, I had to pause because I'd had a little bit too much
both The Tuxedo and Jackie Chan for a moment.
So I wondered what other people thought of this movie.
As you found out as well, Simon, it's not a whole plethora of opinions out there on this
other than the evangelists and this is shit.
But I did find this good comment from someone on Reddit about the abilities of the Tuxedo.
So I'd like to read this for you.
Oh, please.
This is from Paradox Pizza on Reddit.
In the movie The Tuxedo, the Tuxedo that Jackie Chan's character wears
supposedly makes a regular person turn into a better fighter
when it's actually a placebo effect.
He only believes he can fight by wearing the tux
because it's actually just Jackie Chan.
That is it.
That's the best thing I can find.
He just didn't realise that he was Jackie Chan.
He was also anti-gravity.
It had Jackie Chan written on the label of the Tuxedo and he just went,
Oh, that's who I am.
Oh, shit.
I can fight and sing.
That wasn't him.
Anyway, we'll get to that.
No, it was absolutely not him.
He gets down the building and he runs after the car.
He does some weird run where it looks like he's shit himself.
But he runs after the car and jumps in.
He chases this car and she's driving off at full speed.
They've covered, I'd say, quite a distance.
Yeah.
And then she pulls up, gets out, and then gets in her own car.
How far away did she park?
That's a good point.
Maybe she walked.
Maybe she's stopping at the office.
Oh, yeah.
Because when he first arrives, he pulls up.
She's already there.
So she parked three miles away in a car park and then trekked over.
She was walking all day.
That's why she had to call to delay.
I've got a five-mile hike, mate.
I'm not going to be able to get there.
You idiot.
Didn't you show up at the other place?
Yeah, that is a bit odd.
She also wants to go to the other place.
She also, once again, calls him a dickhead for nearly being killed by her.
Oh, yeah.
She's the worst person in the world.
Nice ride though.
Oh, she's an absolute twat.
Drink.
And then hops in her car to go to a gun range.
Yeah.
So the next scene is, again, kind of confusing.
It's her and Steena at a gun range.
And it's basically just a couple minutes of zooming in on their asses
and them shooting the dicks out of little paper targets.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's two guys working in the gun range who are zooming in the cameras
to look at them whilst they're firing off the guns.
They leave and you see that the two guys in the gun range just have an abacus.
Why?
Because sometimes...
What are they counting?
There aren't women in there that they can...
Oh, well.
Yeah, they could be counting cheeks.
I just assumed they were counting rounds fired
and probably got really pissed off when she whipped out the machine gun.
You can slow down.
I love the idea that they'd be counting rounds fired on an abacus.
Fantastic.
I wish I had your brain, Cole.
I didn't even see the abacus, let alone would have I been able to put those things together.
We've got a tuxedo that can reverse gravity, but we've run out of budget,
so you've got to count on an abacus.
Well, I mean, the secret agent is a billionaire.
We're overpaying Clark Devlin, so you're going to have to deal with an abacus.
He's just getting paid the wage of 20 different drivers.
Every time a driver dies, the driver replacing them gets all the wages added together.
They've lost a lot of drivers.
Clark's wage plus two grand.
Clark Devlin hired those skateboard assassins, hoping he'd be safe.
Well, I don't know who else would, because who else knew that they were at Burger King?
Well, who else knew they were at Burger King?
The mole that was obviously referenced with the trust no one.
Mitch.
Who we will have identified later.
Absolutely.
That'll come back around, trust no one.
But luckily, Jackie trusts everyone.
And when he gets a call again, Del just got finished calling him a dickhead and she calls
him back up.
He's back at the hospital now, checking in with Clark.
Dr. Angelo, Dr.
Angela Lady is now on the intercom, which I thought was a nice touch.
This suit's got to be fucking stinking by now, right?
Oh, yeah.
He's been wearing it a while.
He's quite dependent on it and will not take it off.
And wash is very far down on the list on the watch.
So you're not going to spend your time scrolling down to the W's to wash the suit.
Just delegate, mate.
Wash me.
I press delegate, but it just pointed at me to wash it.
Del calls him up and says, right, we're going to we're going to an event where
banning is going to be she doesn't specify what the event is.
I think she says it's at a hotel.
But she does specify that it is not black tie because absolutely not black ties.
Jackie is worried that he'll look out of place in the suit.
Lo and behold, when he turns up to this event, it fucking absolutely is black tie.
Everybody's an extremely black tie.
It brings up a good question that this suit is only useful when it is normal to wear a suit.
Any other fucking time.
You are so conspicuous.
Absolutely.
There is there is definitely an undercover agent
in that skateboarder gang who shows up to the Burger King every day in a tuxedo.
He's supposed to be undercover.
Bill, you're overdressed.
But he said it's absolutely a black tie event.
So they show up to it both, you know, dressed up.
She's she's gone to the effort of dressing up in the dress to match him.
Didn't go to the effort of buying tickets.
So they get to the front of the line and she's just like, right, go on.
Bribe him.
So it's his fault according to her.
Oh, it's absolutely once again got to the thing that she organized.
And she was like, well, I've got no tickets.
Spent the last one money on Abakai.
Abacus is and he tries to he tries to bribe his way in with seven dollars,
which shockingly doesn't work.
The next bit is very confusing.
They head around the back of the venue and there are a couple of bounces there.
So they sneak their way in using the power of tits.
Drink.
Take a shot because her plan is, hey, stand back.
I'll sort this.
And she starts rough rummaging around in her bag.
Well, both of the bounces stare down her dress.
Yeah.
And then we cut and they're inside.
What came next?
Well, exactly.
That's why they had to cut.
Did they both leave to have a wank and then they could just walk in?
If they hadn't cut, it would just be, oh, they're nice.
Anyway, tickets.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, there's no ending to that scene.
So they do head in and they stop in in James Brown's dressing room
where he compliments her rack.
Take a shot.
Take a shot.
Yeah.
And Jackie knocks him out, not in response, just because he touched him,
which is a common thing throughout the rest of the film.
If anyone ever touches him, he automatically knocks them out.
Yeah.
Suits on water.
I did love that they incorporated the James Brown scream into him
getting flipped over onto the floor and knocked out though.
Fantastic.
That was good.
It's crazy that the next scenes are, they see James Brown,
they knock him out and the thing is, Jackie now has to take his place.
Of course.
As the singer, the lead in this event.
So they got James Brown on for this film and then told him,
no, no, you're not singing.
Well, you are.
You can sit there, get knocked out,
and then you're going to cover Jackie Chan pretending to sing.
Yeah.
Well, I did find an interview with Jackie Chan.
Did you?
Where he said that his issue was with learning the words.
He's a very experienced singer over in China,
so he didn't have any problem with doing the singing.
It was the dancing and learning the words.
So I don't think anyone has told Jackie Chan that's not him singing.
Do you think there's a cut out there with him actually?
I think he's watched this movie back or hasn't watched this movie
and doesn't know that he's been dubbed over by James Brown.
And who are we to correct him?
Yeah, because I've always thought this.
I know he has a singing career in China.
I know that he occasionally sings in his movies and it's always fucking terrible.
And I'm convinced no one has told Jackie Chan he can't sing.
And he thinks that he sings like James Brown, maybe.
You wouldn't tell him, would you?
No one's going to tell Jackie Chan that he can't sing.
He's been putting out albums since the 90s.
He's such a lovely guy.
But luckily, the suit has a James Brown mode, which gets him singing like James Brown.
I just assumed that the character could already sing.
The suit just helped him dance.
Surely the suit could only help in the area where the suit touches.
There's a scene that cuts in where it shows that affecting his voice somehow.
Okay.
So the suit does it, which means that on this list of things on the suit,
he's also got to scroll through every singer's name as he's heading down to a sniper rifle.
A little drop-down menu opens after you click sing.
The whole Spotify discography's on there.
Spotify, 2002, Napster, man.
Napster, yeah, boy.
He's got LimeWire on there.
Number of times you press a singer's voice and it's just porn.
But I mean, the suit's version of dancing does involve him sliding under the table of
banning Andy's fiance and spending what has to be a full minute wiggling his arse
in both of their faces.
Oh yeah, he is.
I don't know how that is for the rest of the crowd.
Yeah, he is inches from their face, wiggling his arse in a tuxedo he's been wearing for
two days whilst doing a lot of physical activity.
That is stinking.
Honking.
I mean, we're meant to be laughing at banning being a bit disgusted.
We would all be disgusted.
The fact that his fiance is into it just says something about her fetches.
The stench is out.
Wearing his roommate's underwear.
I was about to say, we're about to learn he's wearing his roommate's underwear.
Which his roommate got out of the dirty laundry.
Yeah.
The only thing he's wearing that are his are his socks.
I hope he doesn't sleep in his room mate's underwear because we've already been told
he's having wet dreams about the art gallery lady.
He sleeps in the full tuxedo.
In the full, yeah.
He absolutely does.
It's begging him to use the wash function at this point.
You dreamt about the art gallery lady again.
It's delegating.
Please wash me.
He's embodying operation drip category level five.
Operation big drip.
Oh, I'm cresting level four.
Cresting level four.
Vulgar.
I would, I'd love to move on to something better than this, but it only gets worse.
Because the next scene is the two of them, Del and Jackie, doing some doing a bit of flirting.
Jackie flirting with the fiance, who Banning says, regrettably, this is my vacuous fiancee.
I think her name is Cheryl or something.
And then he also calls her a rancid tart.
This is, I can't figure out why she exists though.
Why does he need a fake fiance?
I don't know.
No idea.
He's rich.
Or is it like a, is it like a hiding that he's gay thing, but then he's really into Del.
So no, she's just there.
It's just for this scene to happen now.
So it's just for this and the next scene.
This is my, this is my fiancee.
She used to be normal, but then she kept going for dives in the pool.
Look at the bubbles.
Uh, and then also, um, and then Del Blaine, Jennifer, love you IDs, the water that she's
drinking and touches Banning's thigh.
So he immediately falls in love with her.
Oh yeah.
While she's running her finger up and down between her very nice wreck.
Drink, drinking.
Um, he, uh, describes his, he's chatting about his lab work and he describes it as
glorious wet play.
So, uh, if you did take a drink, finish throwing up and take another drink for that.
Why not?
Restock.
Next scene is in room seven, two, six, eight.
Yes, she invites Jackie back to her room.
Um, yeah, so, um, so Cheryl or something invites him back to her room while Jennifer
heads out in slow-mo to the pool.
And she is, I mean, she's convinced that Jackie's going to go up and get laid to get
some information.
And because she's certain that he's currently fucking, she opens up the spy cam, which
she gave him earlier so that she can have a little cheeky peak.
Uh, but what's actually happening up there can only be described as sexual assault.
She's scary in there.
She's, uh, shouting about tiny bubbles and ripping his clothes off as he
tries to get away peeling away the layer that protects you from the stench of his,
of his roommates.
Peeling away.
It's cracking issue.
There's a reason that she's running about my boyfriend's water.
It looks like you're turning to dust in these trousers.
Horrible.
But this leads into as more goons come in because they know that their spies, uh, they
burst in and we get this kind of half dressed fight scene where he's trying to get the tux
back on while fighting off some baddies.
Awesome fight scene.
I really liked the kind of, it was a very Jackie Chan fight scene where he can,
he can only kick cause he's only got the trousers on and he's like fighting them
off with one leg while he gets the jacket on.
It's super cool.
Yeah.
This is why they make these movies.
Like it's not, it's of course, it's not for the plot of the people in them.
It's just because Jackie Chan is a master of this.
Yeah.
No matter how shit the movie is, Jackie Chan fight scenes were always a joy.
Yeah.
And my favorite move that he does in this, uh, is where he very slowly spins around
on his head on the floor while one of the goons looks down and pretends to be disoriented by it.
Which is the way that he pretends to be disoriented is like when a kid runs up to
you and shouts, watch this and then does something shit and you have to pretend to act impressed.
Whoa.
Guys, looking at him, slowly spinning on the floor going, wow.
What do I do?
Good one.
I'm not, I'm not touching that guy. His boxes are disgusting.
Pretend I can't hit him. Pretend I can't reach.
He gets a waft of the bollocks every time he spins around.
Oh God.
But it ends, uh, when he kicks one of the bodyguards out the window and kills two people in one
throw. Yeah. Because down by the pool, Dale has been attacked by a different guy.
Yes.
Yeah, he's snuck up behind her and tried to just grab her around the neck with his hands.
And I was just thinking, be really good if then invented some sort of portable device
where they could maybe put a bag over her head and drown her. I mean, she's even by a body of
water. So it could look like she drowned in the pool, but sadly, no such thing exists.
So I've only got one of those and they're currently using it somewhere else.
To be fair, you can stab her as long as you've got her wet afterwards.
There would be no autopsy. She's dry.
Yeah, she drowned the hair's wet.
Splash some water onto her hair. You can chop her head off. It's fine.
They'll only look at 100 people, 100 people in an IT suite watching her autopsy. She's wet.
Nice wreck. Drowning.
Why didn't she float?
But yeah, so that ends the fight and they both head back. Jackie and Del head back to Del's house,
which is they have a little bit of an exposition scene. The only thing of note that happens here
is that they're talking about understanding emotion and the fact that she doesn't really
understand people. And Jackie's way of describing this to her is, ha ha ha is funny. Who, who, who
is angry? And I'm convinced that's improv'd. There's no way someone wrote that down in the
script. But again, if Jackie Chan improv'd something, you don't cut it out, do you?
You probably thought that was in China. He's an improv king, my friend.
And they sell CDs of him improving.
That's basically the only thing that happens, uh, of note in the scene. And then we cut to the next
day and it's infiltration time again. Banning's hosting another party. He's got another thing
going on that they can sneak into. Shall we get tickets this time? No. He's hosting.
We'll show up at the door and see what happens. He's hosting a product launch.
He's hosting a product launch. For a water bottle. For some water bottles. Yeah.
His mansion. Remember when we, when we released Sparkling, the party was insane.
We were all there. Hint of lemon. Oh, what a night.
Yeah. It's, I mean, it's mad. Uh, I don't know what, we don't really know what the backstory is
of this product launch. It's just so a suit looks normal again. Yeah.
It's like, it's another thing that you can wear a suit too. It's meant to be cover for his plan,
but his plan involves tiny little bugs that no one would notice anyway.
Oh, they've noticed, but we will get to that. We're definitely going to get to that.
So yeah, once again, they show up at the door with no ticket and no plan. Uh, luckily he's
realized at this point that the suit has a scanner and printer built in. So he nixed the ticket off
the guy behind him and goes in as Dr. Schwartz. We don't see what happens when the next guy in line
gets to the bouncer, but forget that they're in the party.
Note that the bouncer didn't stare at Jackie and go, you Dr. Schwartz, it was just Jennifer who
did that. Love you. Yeah. Uh, well he was too busy looking at something else or two other things.
Of course. Well, they do most of the heavy lifting in this movie. We don't need the suit.
Just take it. It's everywhere. Drink. Yeah. So they, they, uh, they dance around a little
bit of the party, try and blend in. Um, and then they go to find the hidden lab, which to be fair
was not that hard to find because at this product launch party, he's got guards walking around with
tanks of green goop going straight to the lab. He'd have probably got away with this. If he
wasn't having an unnecessary product launch party. Yeah, exactly. Don't mind us green goop coming
through. The pool was outside the door that they entered through. You didn't need a ticket to go
there. Another reason to have the lab in the basement where you absolutely would need a ticket.
Yeah, which they couldn't get into easily because it was completely unguarded.
But they did, I mean, they find the pool, uh, and Jackie is now walking. He kicks some stones on,
realizes what's happening. He walks on the water still, by the way, quick reminder at this point,
neither of them have questioned Walter Strider as he's standing on top of some water.
Investigating the water company. Yeah. But they, they accidentally,
amid the bloodstains on top of the door from where each guard and fiance has cracked their head,
they accidentally open it up and they get down into the lab and they wander around a little bit.
They don't really figure much out. They kind of, they get caught by a couple of guards and they
have to leave. But before they leave, they hide behind a pipe and Jackie puts the suit into
camo mode, which makes it, it's kind of an invisibility cloak. This raises a lot of questions.
I also have a few that you go first. Number one, why was she invisible? She's not wearing the suit.
It should have just been her that you could see. Yes. So as soon as the suit is picking a direction
and mimicking what you see. So either you see her or the people looking at the suit see themselves
carry on. Exactly. To be fair, had it been just Jackie Chan stood there looking like he was in
her dress with her tits, that would have been funnier. That would have been so much funnier.
That would have been good, yeah. The next question it raises is a
fucking head scratcher. She doesn't understand why they couldn't see her. She says, what,
are they blind? Which means she doesn't know that the tuxedo has all these powers. Well,
she doesn't know that he's been using the tux to do all of this stuff that he's been doing.
And in the very next scene, Ev, did you want to cut in with your- No, no, I agree with you.
I'm loving that you pointed this out. Well, she tells him to strip down.
And she finds out that he's not Clark Devlin. And in the next scene, her first reaction is
she's in the men's toilet. She heads in, she says, strip off. That tux is not yours.
Okay. So at this point, if you don't know that the tux is magic, weird thing to say. If you do
know that it's magic, still a bit weird because she gives it to Banning. Yes. What is going through
her head? I think summarizing everything you've just said there, I think all she thinks is that
he has taken Devlin suit. She does not know it's super. So she doesn't, she isn't bothered when
she has a super because she doesn't know it's super. She is just mad. But she does know the suit
super because she tells the scientist that it's the greatest piece of technology in the world.
Oh, exactly. She does figure it out before then. And then why doesn't she have a suit?
Why doesn't everyone have a suit? If she knows that it's super, why doesn't she get one?
Why did she give him the watch? She could have given him the cool suit and then just
fucked with him once he was in it. Yeah. Why didn't she figure all this out before if she
knows the suit's magic? Put the suit on. And why? Biggest question of all,
why does Jackie think it's okay to borrow his roommate's underwear?
Oh, otherwise you're just coming in your own. You're doing loads of washing.
All those wet dreams he's gone through all his own.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, she does give the tux to Banning and she has a little chat in the lab
as he puts it on and demos it and they talk about his secret plan. Jackie, meanwhile,
is headed back home. Yeah, this is an important point, Sam. Well, he's headed back home. He
doesn't have a roommate. Are they Clark Devlin's pants? Are they his underwear? Is that his
roommate? He lives at Clark Devlin's house. He lives in Clark Devlin's house. That other
guy Mitch used to be his roommate and he's just been wearing the same pair of Mitch's boxes
for the run of the movie now. For the whole time. The three or so days that it's been.
I reckon I think they're probably Mitch's underwear, but he's now.
Because they didn't look like Clark Devlin underwear. He would wear tighties, wouldn't
they? Show off that. Oh, absolutely. Those curves. He'd wear much more suave underwear than that.
Oh, god damn it, man. More questions. He gets back to the house and sits down at Clark's desk,
which is scattered with papers, all about water striders. Yeah. And still, he doesn't figure it
out. It takes him writing a letter accidentally spilling a bottle of water onto a picture of a
water strider, which was already on water in the picture in order for him to finally figure it out.
Not before he takes the pencil, puts it between the A and the T to block out that L so he could
read for himself water strider. And then we get a pan to the water strider, a pan to the beetle
that somebody had given that he bought from the shop or something earlier. That's a water
strider in jewelry form. It's all clicked. This is this is the twist. This is where the twist is
happening. If only delegated the research to the suit earlier. If only he'd use that delegate
function. But he then finds the the extra tux which Clark had made for him in record time.
He finds it, puts it on, and he heads back to the lab, which means in the time that
Jennifer Love Hewitt Del Blaine walked from the party down to the lab and had a little conversation,
Jackie managed to get home in his underwear, get changed, write the letter, find find out about
the water striders, find the suit, get changed again and get back to the party all in the same
amount of time. It's Jackie Chan. This man works fast. He is Jackie Chan. So we know at this point,
the suit is super because when he puts it on, he does the little thing, which means Mr. Devlin
had a super suit made for the guy who's driving his car just because he liked him. None of the
other CSA agents have them, but he can afford this random man in his sense who just follows
him around shopping to have one. Why? Exactly. Even I mean, to be fair, the the suit does have
a getaway driver function on it. So maybe he realized how shit he is at driving. And when
actually just deleted to all the others, he just does that one function.
We'll put the child lock on this one. No anti grab for you. But he gets back to the lab. And
so begins our fight scene with tux versus tux. Yeah, two men in who are doing very little while
he's been away. Banning has told Dell his plan, which is all of these water striders that he has
bred and the weird shit that's on their feet that will spread to all the different reservoirs.
And the plan is that they will all follow the queen to all the different reservoirs.
And then only his water will be drinkable. Yeah, somehow done my research boys. There
are over 500 species of water strider like insect. None of them have queens.
I knew that was fucking bullshit. Oh, perfect. I cannot believe that you've
done more research than the writers of this film. That's amazing.
You know, I can't believe that. They were too busy looking at tits.
Drink rate. The other thing, I mean, even if you ignore the fact that they don't have a queen,
the plan is it's fucked. Okay, so in amongst all the fighting, he releases all of these
water striders. Yeah. And the plan is to have the queen fly up and out of the party
through the main fountain in the middle of the party. So all of the guests standing around would
have seen a swarm of insects fly out through a fountain. I'm the guy who has just bought
every water company and owned from the guy. But down in this lab. Do you think they might be a
bit suspicious? Down in this lab on the screens, it's showing all the different reservoirs and
saying they've been targeted. Does the queen know this? How was it targeted? Have they
given her a list of places any water source will do? It's just going to go to a pond. It's going
to go to the closest one. The queen's going to bang her head diving off the diving board and
never get anywhere. Also, there's a intercut with this fight scene and those bugs being released.
Jennifer Love Hewitt takes a glass of water and pulls it into the computer to try and stop
the things being released and from them telling the queen where to go. So you've you own a water
company. Your whole plan is based around water. Your base is beneath a swimming pool and you
didn't make your computers waterproof. You're fucking asking for it. That is an oversight.
Pete There are plenty of oversights. The party full of people where all your henchmen are acting
as bouncers so they can't even come help you downstairs. They're all fucking letting people
into your house. Jennifer Or they're all busy transporting goop.
Pete Also, why was there a tub of snakes that had nothing to do with this movie?
Jennifer There was also a tub of snakes which was presumably another test subject. What were they
going to do? Fire them out a cannon. Pete They had a separate one for the queen snake.
Fuck it, this is dumb.
Jennifer So long story short, the queen does get released. The glass gets smashed and Jackie
manages to trap it in a glass on Jennifer Love Hewitt's face. And then he's fighting off all
the goons and he's kind of moving the glass around her face around her body. Obviously,
all of this is just an excuse for more focus on the tits.
Pete Because he puts it right on her ass as well.
Jennifer And on a bum.
Pete What I did enjoy about this scene is there's a part of this fight where he's moving the glass
around her body where the fighting gets quite intense. And so the glass just disappears for
a bit while he does a few kicks and flips and then returns after he's done those kicks.
Jennifer He does a little, he does a little
Matrix homage spin. I don't even know if the Matrix Revolutions would come out at this point,
but it's the same thing when he gets the pipe and spins around. It's hard to describe. He's
horizontal doing little spins, kicking all the guards in the face as he goes. And the glass is
gone. Yeah, to do that scene. But then it all ends when he, Bannon gets up and starts running
towards them screaming mouth open and he yeets that queen right down his throat. And we get
Gremlin style, a fucking brutal death scene. Pete It's just so out of place for the movie
this has been so far. We've not seen any go. I mean, that one guy did turn to dust,
but it wasn't very heavy on it. Jennifer Well, it's the same thing here, but worse.
Pete Yeah. So all the bugs in the room and how I found their new water source, it happens to be
in this man. So they all fly into his mouth around the glass, which is wedged between his teeth. Oh,
horrendous. I mean, he also gets last crusaded. Yeah, obviously he turns to dust, Sam, obviously.
Jennifer And then yeah, so after all that's happened, the CSA shows up and they have a little
debrief in the lab. Not much to say about that. But they casually assault one of their colleagues
and chuck him into a snake pit. That's why the snakes were there. And Jackie says, you could
just do me one favor having completed this mission. By the way, you didn't complete the mission. You
did you were the occupant of a suit that did the mission. You just impersonated special agents.
You just put on your watch and you scroll down to mission and you're tapped it.
Pete We don't know that Clark Devlin is any
more competent than Jackie. He just wears the same suit.
Paul No, we have to assume he isn't.
Pete But he wears it well.
Paul No, he does, doesn't he?
Pete But Jackie's only request is that he gets a full special ops team to help him flirt with
this art gallery girl. And here we get full circle back to the start. Clark Devlin throws his same
line back at him. I dreamed of you last night. But when Jason Isaacs says it,
Pete Oh, yeah, I believe it. Yeah.
Paul And he fails. Of course,
he's too nervous because the girl's too attractive. And then Adele Blaine throws
a little hissy fit about him not fancying her. So he throws her a pity shag.
Pete A few things to touch on first, how much
taxpayer money was wasted on all of that?
Paul Oh, absolutely.
Pete Like eight people there a day's salary for each of them. But let's not even think about that.
One of the final lines of this movie is, is that your happy face or your horny face? And
then Jackie Chan says, tell you later or something to that effect. Or we'll find out later. Not a
kid's film. One thing I would like to add to that scene, Jennifer Love Hewitt was 22. Jackie Chan
was 48. Wow. We're in Leonardo DiCaprio territory there.
Paul Dear me. And okay, so we're at the end of the movie now. All we've got is the post credit
scenes, which is a bit of bloopers. By the way, I used to love having bloopers at the end of films.
I wish they still did that. But the most brutal line in the entire film is in the post credits,
where Jennifer Love Hewitt kind of cracks up at something that Jackie says. So he shouts at her,
look at her ugly face.
Look at her tiny rack. That's the final drink, ladies and gentlemen. What a movie. We don't have
any bad reviews or trivia this week. But I think we've done quite enough. There's not really now.
So let's get right down to the question, shall we? Sam, so you think that was good, do you?
Paul So you don't? I loved it. I really enjoyed watching this. Yeah, I thought it was great as
a child. I remember absolutely loving this film. And I was a little worried that going back and
watching it, all I would see is the ridiculous bullshit plot. Although I did see that it's
cracking film. I'll watch anything with Jackie Chan in. I don't care. And all the people who,
I mean, when I was looking through the reviews, a lot of them were complaining. I think I said
this to you guys before we started. A lot of them were complaining, seeming to think that Jackie
Chan is some kind of high artist who's above all of this. And he's such a master of the craft that
he shouldn't lower himself to films like that. Fuck that. He is in his element here. Yeah. And
I love it. I mean, this is no rush hour, but this is not much worse than Shanghai Nights or Shanghai
Noon. I haven't seen either. So I can't comment, but I fucking love this film. So yes, I do think
it was good. All right. Yeah, I always love watching 90s early 2000s Jackie Chan movie,
but you don't watch it for the plot. You watch it for Jennifer Love. You know,
you watch it for Jackie Chan kicking people in funny ways. The man has mastered fighting comedy.
That's what you come around for. And that's what you get. Well, thank God. That makes us a bloody
three boys. I've never seen this before. I don't think that I bloody loved it. This had everything
for me, mostly Jackie Chan. I suppose that's all I want. But even though the plot was shit,
I didn't I didn't need that. Just a good old bit of funness. And I'm going to be watching more
films like this in a very near future for fun. Incidentally, because you mentioned the
kind of action comedy, Carl, I don't know if you two have seen the every frame of painting video
about Jackie Chan. I think I have. I mean, if anyone listens and hasn't seen it, absolutely
check out that and watch every video on the YouTube channel, every frame of painting.
This film definitely doesn't fit into the kind of golden era Jackie Chan films that they speak about
there. But it just talks about the way that he shoots the way that he felt. And it's awesome.
Yeah, we are really helping that YouTube channel out. And we've given them a plug on this podcast.
Yeah. Helping the little guy.
Well, that all boys.
Oh my God.
Fantastic. Well, thank you all for listening and thank you boys for joining me. Please leave us a
sweet five star review on Apple or God pods and follow us over on Twitter at so you think pod
join us again next week. We'll be joined by our first guest, Johnny Welch, the 1990s arachnophobia.
Until then, oh no, that's the line I forgot to remove from my script last week.
And so this is what you leave being left with. Goodbye.
Bye. Wonderful. Nice.